Penance and Confession

 In the 1970's I stole something from two places of business. One I worked at, one I did not. I was younger and in some ways wiser than I am today. But that did not keep me from doing bad stuff. I finally made things right a couple of weeks ago. 

I just realized this crazy thing. One place knew I did it, let me know they knew, replaced what I had stolen, and let me off. 

The other place knew the thing had been stolen but didn't know it was me. 

For years I carried around in my wallet a piece of paper that reminded me of these debts. Why did I wait so long to fix this? When I finally got around to it I wrote two anonymous letters explaining what I had done, apologizing. Stuffed in cash to cover my sin, plus some. 

Felt pretty good to finally do that. Felt bad that I had waited so long to do something so right.  

This experience is like unto the Sacrament of Confession. How often do we let things go unsaid because too much time has passed? Do we think old sins sort of expire after a while and don't need confessing? 

I think it is more likely that we don't really ponder our shortcomings as we should. That piece of paper in my wallet should have been a daily reminder to fix that thing. Instead it was just another faded piece of yellow stuffed between other old pieces of paper. Confession demands the same attention as our deepest prayers. That is the only way we'll get to that sweeter sounding term.... Reconciliation. 

Deep Thanksgiving

Sometimes there are thanks we want to offer that we just don't have right words for. 

In my family this week we had some wonderful health news but it's not my place to say who it was or the condition. It was something that could have been horrible but was not.

Had the news been bad I would have just fallen to my knees pleading for a miracle. The news was good and I find the rejoicing so difficult to verbalize. I have lots of words when I ask God for something. When prayers are answered it's hard to move beyond "thanks". I don't have all the words to say what it is that I want to express. Everything comes out sort of the the same way, a weak feeble, "thanks". Granted, sometimes they are all caps and shouted with joy, other times just whispered. 

When the words don't come, we must be content just to be in the presence of God. To seek to be constantly mindful of his wonderful gifts. To contemplate his power as much in thanksgiving as in supplication. Teach me to be truly grateful O Lord. Every single moment. Right now. 

In Romans 8:26 the Apostle Paul puts a light on the incompleteness of our prayers. The English Standard Version translates his words beautifully. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

This has indeed been a day for groanings. It is also a day to ponder, "What if we had not prayed?"

Must I Vote?

It has been several years since I felt really good about the presidential election. Why is that? Must I vote?

Each four years both major candidates are probably good and decent, by current  standards. Every once in a while one breaks the mold, but generally these are people who have given their lives in public service. We should respect and honor such folk. We need more of them. 

One of my litmus tests for a President is that they be a good example to children. When my kids were little I wanted them to be able to look at Reagan, or Bush I or Clinton or Bush II as people they should be like. Not that they would agree with all their policies. More as like a father figure to the nation. A man of honor, trustworthy, loyal to America, faithful, credible, devout. 

I  still hold to this standard. I don't think it is a particularly high or unfair standard. I'd like a President that is an example to my granddaughters and grandsons on what a good man is like. One that reinforces the example of their own fathers, and not one that contradicts that example.  

Years ago I thought that in such situations it is good to vote for the least bad of two choices. That is wrong. I must not vote if I believe a candidate is bad, regardless of the degree of badness of the other fella. 

In truth, I do not know these men. Had I a day to spend alone with each of them, which one would I select to "preserve, protect and defend the Constitution" ? (Alternatively, which one would I enjoy spending a day fishing with? In my lifetime, as I think about the nominees of the major parties, the ones I would like to fish with are Eisenhower, Goldwater, Humphrey, McGovern, Carter, Bush I, Dole, Gore, Bush II, Clinton II.  They all seem like normal people that you wouldn't have to continually engage in conversation. They could just sit in the boat and not need the noise of human mouths, or whine about who forgot the sunscreen. Some years I skipped, sorry Nixon and JFK. But I digress. ) 

I will not have that opportunity so my only choice is to take them at their word. I will assume that both believe exactly what they have said and that there is no intentional falsehood in their words. 

Their political parties do not make this easy. The party I most identify with rejects the beliefs I hold most dear. The party I could inch toward, masquerades as an arm of the local, water-body-named, evangelical church. Neither party is comfortable with orthodox Catholicism. 

I have a right to vote, meaning I get to decide. Do I have responsibility to do so? Yeah I guess. Voting is a way of telling the world that I endorse our form of self government. To vote breathes a little life into it, makes it stronger. 

Do I have an obligation to vote? That is a bit stronger term. Am I obliged? Meaning if I don't vote, do I believe I have done something wrong? Do I owe my country this form of allegiance? I have pledged my allegiance many many times before you my fellow citizens. I have done so in schools and in the public square. I have done so without thinking too much about it. My motives were not always pure. I often pledged my allegiance simply to fit in, to be one of us, heck yeah i'm an American. Just like you. Hand on my heart, hat off my head, yes sir. 

So am I going to vote, just like I promised? Probably. I may not feel good about it but my feelings are largely my fault. When I was a political activist I loved voting. I mean it. Like lay awake at night on election eve, liked it. Be the first in line at the polls, liked it. Wear candidate button to the polls, liked it. That was because I knew the guys on the ballot. I didn't need their ads. I knew what they really believed and what they were like on the weekends and in their homes. That part of my life is over but I'm going to do my best to take that attitude with me to the voting booth. 

That I pledge. 

Tulips in October

 It is late October and the air is crisp as the temperature jumps around the low 30s and high 20s. Last week we had around 6 inches of snow, which is unusual for this part of the state so soon. Two weeks ago I planted around 200 spring tulips and wondered whether I was early, as we were still on the warm side of autumn. 

These bulbs are seeds of a Spring to come. They will lie dormant from October through March. Dormant is not a good word, perhaps disguised is better. In the ground of October, they anticipate the cold of December and the thawing of February and March. While the grass is brown and snow covers the soil, down in the earth the cold temps launch a change inside the bulb. Never mind the botanical details. But a change that will cause a stem and flower to push out of the earth in April and May. For now they get no attention from me. No care, no water, no fertilizer. Only neglect and hardship. From this comes growth. Hmmm, a metaphor for something.

In planting tulips I am looking ahead...around the corner, behind the curtain, over the hill, down the street of time, to another spring. Past the laughs of Thanksgiving. Beyond the Gloria of Christmas and the Miracle of the Annunciation, they will be here to celebrate the Hosanna of Easter. 

Tulips are for time travelers. If you envy them in the spring because there are none in your yard, go back in time six months. Go to Home Depot. Buy bulbs. Plant them. 

If you are annoyed by the work involved in the fall, digging 200 holes, it must be because your body is getting old and is stuck in the present day. Your mind has moved on and is seeing beauty in things that will happen in the year to come. Things you are almost certain of. 

Come Winter!! 

My church was closed today

 My Catholic church was closed today. I needed it to be open. 

Before the pandemic it was open everyday, all day. It has a small beautiful chapel that is a wonderful place to pray, to be in the presence of God, to step out of the secular and into the divine. 

Now it is open about half of the days. Not on Wednesdays apparently. I was born on a Wednesday and have found it to often be a day when one is much in need of Christ. No less so than other days.  

Undeterred, I walked over to the large crucifix and knelt and prayed there. It is outside, so not subject to keys and locks and chimes and light switches and hvac units and other instruments that rule inside buildings. 

Lord please hear my prayer this day for one so close and dear to me.